Take It Easy - Chapter 5
A/N: Back from the month-long hiatus! I know I said on AO3 that this chapter would be out before the end of April but- Here we are :D A bit of a longer chapter today, almost 5000 words. Spider goes through tough shit, hope you all enjoy! <3
WARNINGS: Strong language, self-harm, depression, anxiety, sfw age regression, mention of child abuse, mention of child neglect, Spider needing a hug, SERIOUSLY IT MIGHT TRIGGER YOU!!
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Kiri never had many friends growing up. She didn’t mind it, not until she grew older and realized it wasn’t normal to play alone every day and to spend more time with her Grandmother than with the kids her age. When she finally gained enough courage to go up to one of the boys in the clan, asking him if he wanted to swim in the river with her, he only laughed and walked away.
Kiri cried on the way home.
Lo'ak, on the other hand, had all the friends. He was Toruk Makto’s son, and even though he wouldn’t become the Olo'eyktan, he would still be the most powerful warrior the clan had to offer. Lo'ak received many invites to play, and Kiri didn’t know why. Her brother was sarcastic and snarky to everyone, especially her. So why did everyone work their butts off to hang around him? She’d never understand.
When Spider suddenly came up in conversation over breakfast, Kiri’s ears flicked to attention. The way her father described the human boy made him seem so unbearable!
“Rude kid. Mouthy, too.” He shook his head as he peeled open another fruit. “Can’t blame him, though. No parents to teach him that stuff.”
The next day Kiri waited outside the labs, her eyes peering through the dusty windows. She caught glimpses of ‘Spider’ every now and then, her tail swaying behind her. Surely the kid could go outside? He never seemed to, though. Maybe he wasn’t allowed to.
She could relate to that. Her parents didn’t let her out into the forest alone until she was eight, and even then they had one of the other warriors following silently behind her.
It was a whole different story the day that Norm finally caught her spying and invited her inside. Spider was sitting at one of the desks, his nose buried in a book. He looked up and locked eyes with her, before making a face and leaving the room. Kiri remembered how her heart clenched. Spider was supposed to become her friend, he was supposed to understand the feeling of being an outcast, of being strange.
Kiri cried on the way home.
Lo'ak wasn’t as creepy about it, he just waltzed into the labs and waited until Spider went by on his morning chores. This time, the human actually interacted with him.
“You here to see Norm?” Spider took his headphones off and hung them around his neck. “'Cause I’m pretty sure he’s jacking off in the showers.”
Lo'ak remembered laughing, and then frowning at the human’s dead-serious face. “Nah, lookin’ for you bro.” He slung his arm around Spider’s shoulder, ignoring the way he flinched.
“Alright..”
That was the beginning of a very rocky friendship.
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The next time Kiri visited the labs, she kept well out of the way of Spider, deciding that the friendship wasn’t worth it. She did her usual thing, visited Grace, teased Norm about something, and then left.
She stuck to that routine religiously, while also avoiding Lo'ak like the plague. It worked like this, Lo'ak being Spider’s friend, Spider’s only friend while Kiri stood on the side lines as per usual.
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“What’re you doing?” An unfamiliar voice spoke up behind Kiri as she peered through the glass at her mother. She flinched and turned around, ready to berate the person who frightened her.
Kiri’s words died on her tongue as she stared down at Spider. He looked healthier than she’d ever seen him, propped against the doorway with his arms crossed.
“Do you not understand English?” He prompted again, taking a step forward, his arms falling down to rest against his sides.
She swallowed nervously before glancing back at Grace. “I’m visiting my mother.”
Spider squinted in confusion before moving to stand beside her. He reached forward, splaying his fingers open against the glass. “I thought she was just here for the science guys to test on. I didn’t know she was your mother, I would’ve taken better care of the glass.” His fingers lingered over the miniscule scratches on the almost pristine glass, a detail that even Kiri hadn’t noticed.
A small smile formed on her face as Spider dipped his head politely, the tips of his fingers skimming over the glass before he slipped back into the shadows.
Kiri went home with a shit-eating grin on her face.
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Those visits became the norm after that day. Kiri would wait in a random place around Hell’s Gate, and Spider would come out and they would talk. She wasn’t sure why or how he was always free to do whatever he wanted, especially when Lo'ak was around all the time. A small part of her thought that he was probably trying to escape her brother’s over-bearing personality. It was for the best, though. She and Spider were much more similar than Lo'ak and Spider, personality and hobby wise.
Lo'ak liked to burn things, while Spider enjoyed reading and studying. Lo'ak was the type of boy to cannon-ball off the highest ledge into the swimming pool, while Spider preferred to sit on the edge and slowly lower himself down. Lo'ak didn’t like painting, he found it boring and repetitive, Spider found comfort in the structure of the activity.
Kiri understood Spider more than Lo'ak or anyone else ever would, which was why it hurt like a bitch when he stopped showing up to meet her.
One day they were listening to music together, the next she was kept waiting by the terrarium for three hours, no blonde-haired human boy in sight.
It angered her to the very core. Why did he randomly disappear? What was the reason behind it? When did everything turn to shit? Had she said something to make him upset? Had Lo'ak?
Lo'ak..
Lo'ak.
Kiri stood up from where she was waiting, ferns from Earth brushing against her skin as she rushed out of the building. She took off her breathing device and hung it up on one of the hooks before rushing out into the Pandoran night. She knew that her idiotic brother was somewhere on the base, causing trouble and ruining her one chance with Spider.
Lo'ak’s voice grew louder as Kiri neared the main lab building, the bragging tone causing her ears to lower in annoyance.
“…So then I swung a fist and hit him square in the jaw! He never stood a chance against Eagle Eye.” Kiri entered the code to the airlock and waited a moment for the decontamination chamber to do it’s thing before continuing into the lab. She was met with the sight of Lo'ak throwing mock-punches over Norm’s head. The scientist was sat at his desk in human form, muttering short 'aahs’ and 'hmms’ to Lo'ak’s rambling.
“What did you do? Lo'ak!” She walked up to him and slammed her hand down on Norm’s table, a resounding clap echoing around the lab. He turned to face her with a confused frown.
“Is this about Spider? Cuz I haven’t seen him in ages!” Lo'ak leaned on the wall behind him, his tail flicking leisurely, like he wasn’t worried about his 'friend’ at all. He glanced his sister up and down, his frown softening. “I dunno why you’re so worried, you don’t know him at all.”
“I know him! We’re best friends, probably even closer than you two.”
Lo'ak crossed his arms over his chest in defiance. “We’re best buds, no girl is going to change that.” Kiri slapped her forehead with her four-fingered hand, an irritated sigh leaving her lips.
“I don’t care that you’re 'best buds’. He’s missing and we need to find him, in case he’s in trouble!” Her heart pounded in worry for her lost friend, knowing that he was a major flight-risk.
Norm sighed as he stood up, barely reaching the teenagers’ heights. “Alright, I heard all of that because you weren’t exactly whispering.” He turned to glance at Kiri. “And I understand Na'Vi, so that doesn’t really work. Spider’s fine, don’t worry. He just needs some time to himself.”
Kiri and Lo'ak looked at each other before shaking their heads. “Nope. You’re lying. He’s not fine and you know it. Come on , Kiri. Let’s go find our best bud.” He grabbed his sister’s hand and the two of them left the lab block, ignoring Norm’s protests determinately. Kiri looked down at their conjoined hands before sticking out her tongue in disgust and shaking him away, having had the exact same reaction when Lo'ak referred to them as 'best buds’ again.
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Spider really enjoyed being alone.
It was probably his favourite thing other than studying the stars and painting. Solitude was safe, structured, and easy to control. Don’t like being around people? Leave. Don’t want to be lonely anymore? Hang out with people.
Structure.
Structure was something that Kiri and Lo'ak never brought with them. They would show up at random points of the day, interrupt his alone time, and then stay well past their welcome. The only reason why he kept hanging out with them was so that he’d have a chance to explore the restricted parts of Hell’s Gate with the excuse that Kiri and Lo'ak were allowed.
But over time, the perks of the friendships, slowly turned into the disadvantages. Kiri never left him alone, and she never wanted to hang out anywhere but Room. Lo'ak used weird slang that he couldn’t understand, and when he tried to ask about it, he only got a 'nah cuz, you gotta understand the backstory to use the words’ or a 'don’t worry about it!’
And now he was too far in to get out.
So he did what spiders do best.
Hide.
Whenever he saw Kiri waiting somewhere on the security cameras, he’d hide on the opposite side of base. If Lo'ak somehow caught him in the gym, he’d climb up into the air vents when he looked away to punch one of the boxing bags. It worked that way, at least Kiri and Lo'ak could move on. It would definitely hurt less than if he told them face-to-face that he didn’t want to be friends anymore.
At least that’s what he told himself to justify his actions.
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He climbed up into the rafters of the immersive Earth forest that was inside Hell’s Gate, connected through a series of air vents to Room. This way he could sneak from place to place without Norm or Max seeing, because if they did, they’d be pissed off and he’d get grounded. Getting grounded was possibly the worst punishment he’d ever received. He was kept in his room, not Room, his BEDroom. Also known as the most boring place on Pandora.
It took about two days for him to break down in his own loneliness, and two more days for Norm to remember that he’d locked Spider’s room from the outside.
Spider was sure that was a form of child abuse but there were no law enforcers on Pandora, at least none that would want to help him.
He swung his legs lazily, the artificial Earth air whooshing past his feet as he hummed. His melodic tune was probably what gave him away high up in the rafters, since no human would’ve been able to hear.
“Spider? That you, cuz?” Lo'ak peered up at the ceiling, his tail beginning to sway once he realised the mop of blonde curls and the familiar rustle of Spider’s cargo shorts. “Kiri, look!”
Kiri narrowed her eyes as she looked up, a bright grin forming on her face.
Soon enough the three of them were bunched up on the wooden rafter, the plank bending dangerously under their weight. Spider shrivelled as he listened to the Na'Vi siblings rant about how much they missed him, guilt fogging his brain.
“Dad was going to let you visit Hometree but you just disappeared! Missed your chance, bro.” Lo'ak nudged him before hissing softly, his tail twitching angrily. Kiri shook her head with a roll of her eyes as she touched her brother’s shoulder softly, a sign for him to calm down.
“It’s fine. I wouldn’t have wanted to go anyways.” Spider shrugged, putting on the most convincing relaxed smile he could muster up.
“It’s not fair. You should be allowed to live with us, you’re as much our brother as Neteyam.” Kiri finalised, her fingers clenching into determined fists. She turned to stare Spider right in the eye. “They’ll come to see that.”
He shuffled uncomfortably on the rafter, Kiri’s words causing the tiny hairs on his arms to prickle. What she said wasn’t true at all. He wasn’t anything like Neteyam, he wasn’t a powerful Na'Vi warrior, he wasn’t the son of Jake and Neytiri, and he most certainly wasn’t their brother.
As Spider was engulfed in a hug from both sides, a strange feeling seeped into his chest. It wasn’t warm or welcoming, it felt like…
It felt like he was suffocating.
He was suffocating.
He couldn’t breathe.
He couldn’t-
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Spider gasped hard, large gulps of oxygen entering his lungs as he sat up. For a brief moment, if only a split-second, he wondered where his mask was. That was when all of the memories of the previous days came rushing back in a frantic blur. Norm and Jake’s conversation in his drunken haze, leaving his home of sixteen years, almost dying in the Pandoran forest, getting snatched up by the 'Metkayina’.
What a mess.
“Good morning, Spider.” A soft voice spoke up from beside his hammock, which he had been all but wrestled into by the chief.
The days following Spider’s arrival were rough. He didn’t know anyone, and those who looked somewhat familiar from the forest pretended they didn’t know him. What made things worse was that even though Tonowari and Ronal had ever-graciously let him stay in their home, they still treated him as if he was a toddler that didn’t know how to walk.
Ronal would wake him up and the Elders of the clan would 'study’ him for hours on end, trying to figure out why he was blessed by Eywa. After that Tonowari would take over and try to teach him their ways, only to fall short because Spider was useless.
The only thing that Spider actually liked about his 'new life’ was the other kids his age, which he never actually thought he’d say judging by his lonely upbringing.
“Morning.” He dipped his head to Tsireya, realising a moment too late that he was supposed to do that strange movement with his hand. “I look at you.”
The Metkayina princess giggled under her breath. “You are very close, Spider,” She raised her hand to her forehead, sweeping it down in a graceful fashion. “I see you.”
Spider copied her movements, a matching smile on his face. He slid out from his hammock and stretched. He could faintly hear Aonung’s obnoxious voice outside the marui, but the privacy flap made out of skimwing wings managed to block out most of the volume.
“More breathing practice?” He yawned as he pulled on his tank top that now looked more like one of the skimpy thongs the Na'Vi liked wearing. He supposed that he was supposed to be considered Na'Vi, due to the fact that he was 'blessed’ or whatever. But he’d never wear that, not because he wanted to disrespect their culture, but because he wasn’t in the mood to have a wedgie 24/7.
Tsireya glanced at the unkept state of his cargo shorts and messy hair, distracted by the difference in their appearances. “Not today. Mama wants to measure you for a tweng.”
Spider’s mouth dropped open in surprise, the mere thought of having to wear a thong making him want to curl up into a ball and die. Tsireya noticed his immediate disapproval and placed what she thought was a comforting hand on his shoulder. He flinched softly, ducking his head low. He subconsciously grappled with the end of his shirt, suddenly feeling more self-conscious than he’d ever felt before.
“It’ll be alright, 'eylan.” Tsireya smiled softly, pity shining clear in her gaze. Spider glanced up at what she’d said. Friend. They weren’t friends. He didn’t have friends. Spider only had Room, and occasionally a beer. He didn’t want to have friends. He didn’t want Tsireya near him anymore. She was watching him freak out. She was right there, watching him suffocate on literal air. Holy shit this was embarrassing.
He began to drown in his own self-depreciating thoughts when he felt a sudden warmth engulf him.
Tsireya rested her head on top of Spider’s, humming softly under her breath. She didn’t know if it would help calm the boy down, but it seemed to work on Aonung whenever Koiu said something a bit too mean during a joke.
“It is not that bad, and no one will judge you if you decide not to wear it. But your human clothing will not survive the ocean for long.” Spider broke off the hug and stared at the ground, still fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. “It’ll be alright, Spider.”
“Yeah.. I know. It’ll be fine.” He muttered, more to himself than to Tsireya.
Together, they headed out of the marui, ignoring Aonung and Koiu’s loud jabbing words. Tsireya sent the two of them a scathing glare, mouthing a warning silently. Spider didn’t notice, his ears had long since blocked out the outside world, his vision choosing to focus on a small circle ahead of him rather than his surroundings.
They made it to the healer’s marui sooner than Spider would have preferred, his brain screaming at him to run away, hide, do anything to stop them from doing this. He wanted to claw at the walls and scream his heart out until they let him go back to the forest, where he could be alone and rot in his blissful ignorance.
A gentle squeeze of his hand brought him back from the rainforest, Ronal’s familiar yet strikingly unpredictable green eyes boring into his brown ones. He knew, he knew that she wasn’t doing this on purpose. He knew that she wasn’t trying to strip him of his humanity, the only thing he had left, on purpose. This was what he needed to do to become one of the people, this was the first step. The first step into his new life.
Spider looked up to Tsireya, his shoulders tensing at the cold empty space she had left behind while he had zoned out. Of course, she wouldn’t stick around for this. It was a private matter between him and Ronal. The first step into becoming one of the people.
“Relax, Spider. There is nothing to be afraid of.” Ronal murmured, in a tone that she thought was comforting, but to Spider it sounded like nails on a chalkboard. He couldn’t help but tense up completely as she drew the woven flaps of the marui shut, casting the pod in shadow.
Spider knew he wasn’t a poet, every piece of writing he’d ever done ended up sounding like a cheesy line from a teenage romcom. He knew he wasn’t a poet, but in that split-second where the shadows consumed the room, he swore he felt the tiny flame still alight in his heart flicker out.
He was afraid of the dark, especially the darkness that lurked in his brain, telling him things that would make a therapist shiver violently. Of course Ronal didn’t know, it wasn’t her fault that he had such childish fears, but something in him knew that she knew. She knew that he was afraid, and she relished in it. Her teeth were practically glistening with the blood pouring out from his scars-
“Come back, Spider.” Ronal murmured as she continued measuring the distance between his hips, her warm fingers skimming the bare expanse of his stomach. A violent shiver wracked through his body as he sniffled, tears pricking at the corners of his eyes that he hadn’t even noticed had formed. “You are safe here. It is not the darkness that you are afraid of, it is what is inside of it. I can assure you that the only thing that lurks in the shadows is me, and you have no reason to be afraid of me.”
He didn’t believe her.
He wanted to,
He really did.
But he couldn’t.
The darkness was telling him not to.
She’s lying, Spider. Don’t trust her, Spider. They will all leave you, they always do. She doesn’t want to help you, Spider. She wants to hurt you, just like Jake, just like Norm. You aren’t safe here, Spider. You can’t be safe here, Miles. They’re out to get you, Miles. Don’t turn your back on them, Miles, you’ll end up with a spear through you.
“Almost finished.” Ronal spoke, her voice louder than before. Spider felt her fingers leave his body, a new warmth tied tightly around his waist. “I have added a design from your demon clothing to make it more comfortable.”
With a painful jolt he realised that he was no longer wearing his shorts, a slight breeze washing against his backside chilling him to the very bone.
He looked down, his fingers clenched into fists. A loincloth hung from his hips, reaching to his mid-thigh. The design Ronal had mentioned was actually more like a skirt, with shorts underneath. To be honest, it wasn’t much of a change to his usual attire, but the material was too short for his liking and it made him feel self-conscious, like anyone could just lift it up and see his bare ass.
A strong wind struck him suddenly, making him realise that he had vacated the marui.
He really needed to stop zoning out.
Spider heard cheerful voices, familiar voices. Koiu, Aonung, Rotxo, and Tsireya were likely heading back to their marui to share a meal all together, and Spider was sure his presence would not be welcomed.
Instead he turned the other way, walking along the woven pathways, trying to avoid the amused gazes of the Metkayina people. If he didn’t feel like shit before, he certainly did now.
Spider found his place near the edge of the village. His feet dangled above the water, the yellow fish seemingly scouting around them instead of having to get close.
“Eywa’s blessing my ass..” He muttered, letting his fingernails dig into his thighs. Blood dripped down his leg, dripping ever so slowly into the water, staining the pristine ocean red with his sorrows. It was oddly poetic, he thought.
The sun had long since set, the cookfires had been distinguished to pitiful embers. The sea had turned bright shades of blue underneath Tonowari’s feet, accompanied by the colours of the flora and fauna. He hummed softly to himself, letting his tail sway to the rhythm of the sea. He tried not to let his anger show on his face as he ate dinner with his family earlier, nodding and smiling to Aonung’s jokes and Tsireya’s cheerful rambling.
In reality he was furious.
The human boy hadn’t returned for dinner, even after Ronal had set out a bowl made up of the most precious and desirable foods the Metkayina had to offer. It was a clear gift, to show Spider that they had welcomed him into the clan. But he had not even bothered to show up. So Tonowari waited as the sun set, so that he could hear Spider’s explanation. The night went on, Spider wasn’t anywhere to be seen.
Tonowari caught sight of the human boy, his eyes narrowing ever so slightly as he walked forward, prepared to scold him. He stalled for a moment, though. His ears perked at the sound of rippling on the water, the sound of something dripping into the ocean.
Spider wasn’t aware of how hard he’d been digging his fingernails into his thighs, he wasn’t aware of how much damage he’d done to his own skin.
Tonowari was aware, though. The chieftain bent down beside the boy, coaxing him to stand up as more tears spilt from his eyes, adding to the puddle at his feet. All anger dissipated as Tonowari picked the boy up, fatherly instinct replacing it.
He ignored how tense Spider was, how his cries stopped suddenly as he cradled him in his arms. He ignored the blood dripping into his fingers as he picked Spider up, ever so gently putting pressure on the wounds.
He ignored Ronal’s tired and shocked face as he rushed into their marui, lying Spider down on the floor. He pushed his other children back, they were too young to see the state of the human boy’s legs.
“How did this happen?” Ronal grunted, bending down to push Tonowari’s hands away.
“He did it to himself, Ronal.” He held up Spider’s hands, letting Ronal see the blood caked under his fingernails. The Tsahik choked back a gasp as she matched his fingernails to the bleeding crescent shaped wounds on his thighs and knees.
Tonowari crouched down beside his mate, lifting up the hem of Spider’s tweng to get to the worse of his wounds. He retracted as a quiet whimper left the boy’s lips, his fingers twitching as if he was trying to pull it back down, but the rest of his body wouldn’t comply. With a mutter of apology, the chieftan covered him with a blanket. Spider went silent again.
Ronal began spreading plant mixtures on his scratches, humming softly under her breath to try to calm her other children’s nerves. Tsireya paced beside them, her tail lashing anxiously. Aonung, on the other hand, didn’t seem to care at all. He laid asleep in his hammock, one arm stretched under his head to act as a pillow as Spider was using his.
Little did they know the visions that haunted his dreams. Images of Spider’s mangled and bloody body floating in the ocean, empty eyes, bloody fingernails. The only sign that he did care about the human was the soft mutters coming from his lips, whispering the boy’s name over and over again as his tail curled around his legs.
The air was tense as Spider whimpered again, a little louder this time. A tear dripped from his eye, sliding down his cheek before finding it’s place on the woven floor of their home. That tear was followed by another, and another, until he was once again sobbing. Ronal placed the bowl of medicine aside before wrapping her arms around him, cradling him gently in her warm embrace. She walked carefully over to her hammock, large since she shared it with Tonowari. She set him down, before covering him with his blanket again.
She moved to stand up, but a small hand stopped her. Spider reached out, his eyes still closed, his fingers closing around a strand of her hair.
“It is alright, little Spider. You can rest now.” Ronal whispered as she sat back down beside her hammock, letting him hold onto her hair as he drifted off to sleep.
Spider didn’t know much about himself, but he did know that he hated the dark. He hated the darkness as a whole, and he hated what was in it. But as he felt the familiar pull of sleep tug on his conciousness, he no longer felt afraid of what it held.
Spider hated the darkness, but it felt safer with Ronal beside him.
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